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Monthly Archives: June 2014

Eight rules for rebuilding trust in your marriage

Posted on June 26, 2014 by Kyle Gabhart Posted in Marriage Renewal, Our Story .

Trust. Its the cornerstone of any relationship. It holds soldiers together in foxholes and knits hearts together in marriage. The bond of trust is sacred and precious – until it’s broken.

What do you do when you cross the line that you swore you would never cross? How do you continue in a relationship when your spouse breaks your heart, trampling on the vows he or she promised to keep? Whether the result of infidelity, abuse, addiction, or neglect, the loss of trust in a relationship is devastating. And while the prospect of a bright future together looks dim, there is hope.

Rebuilding trust in your marriage is hard, because wounds heal crooked. My wife and I are 18 months into our own journey of renewal. Along the way, we have been blessed to walk alongside other couples. Some are further down the road than we are and others have just recently begun their renewal process. Through our renewal process and that of others, we have gleaned eight rules for rebuilding trust in your marriage.

Eight Rules for Rebuilding Trust in Your Marriage

Many of these rules apply equally to both parties, while others are specific to the spouse that is working to rebuild the trust (the trust healer) or the spouse that is learning to trust again (the hurting spouse).

  1. Be patient (both of you) – There is no timetable for rebuilding trust. Forgiveness and trust are very personal matters and require a sufficient and unknown amount of time to accomplish. Don’t rush this process.
  2. Be open (both of you) – Communicate early (before a problem can escalate) and often (as frequently as an issue occurs). Share your hearts with one another and be vulnerable in expressing your doubts and fears.
  3. Be reliable (trust healer) – Under-promise and over-deliver. Don’t make hasty, unrealistic commitments. Instead, let your word be your bond and overwhelm your spouse with your consistency and predictability.
  4. Be humble (trust healer) – Pride is the enemy of trust. You must empty yourself of ego and be willing to take any measures necessary to heal the brokenness (formal apologies, schedule changes, job changes, routine changes, etc.).
  5. Be receptive (hurting spouse) – You must be receptive to the work that God wants to do in your heart. You also need to be open to receiving love from your spouse and accept his or her efforts to demonstrate trustworthiness.
  6. Be understanding (trust healer) – Recognize that your spouse is hurt and those wounds will take time to heal. Throughout the healing process, be prepared to provide constant reassurance. Furthermore, the healing process may go in cycles. There will be good days and bad days, but be compassionate and understanding throughout.
  7. Be courageous (both of you) – It is tempting to give into fear and doubt, to assume that one or both of your will break the trust again. It is tempting to believe that the outlook is hopeless. Resist all of this negativity. Be optimistic and courageous.
  8. Be expectant (both of you) – Expect God to reveal Himself powerfully. Put your faith in Him and expect that He will meet both of you more than half-way. You aren’t in this alone. The God of Heaven is in your corner and will bless your marriage with the peace and understanding you need to re-establish confidence.

Once trust has been broken, it is difficult – but not impossible – to restore. As Jesus said, “With God all things are possible” (Matt 19:26).

Rebuilding Trust in Your Marriage is Tricky

Once trust has been broken by one or both of you, you’ll find yourselves caught in a colossal “catch-22” scenario. On the one hand, trust has been broken and is in desperate need of restoration. On the other hand, the primary means of rebuilding trust is to use words. When your words no longer carry weight, how can you possibly use them to repair the damaged trust?

As I discussed in a previous post, when you realize that talk is cheap, you must resort to demonstrating your love and commitment through action.How to rebuild trust in your marriage

Actions elegantly and clearly express your heart. By their very nature, they cannot lie. Sacrificial love can be demonstrated daily. Honor can be given through your actions. Day by day and week by week trust can be rebuild through acts of love, honor, and sacrifice. In time, words can once again regain power. But that must be earned.

Rebuilding Trust in Your Marriage is Worth It

It breaks my heart that you marriage is in need of renewal. Loss of trust is devastating and rebuilding that trust is a very hard road. But take heart, because it’s worth it. Your marriage can be made new again. Like scar tissue forming over a wound, the end result might be messy but it will be stronger than it was before. Marriage renewal isn’t just about surviving, but about thriving. Tammy and I have never been so close or felt so hopeful about the road ahead. The bond of trust can be rebuilt in your marriage, too. Your best days are together are yet to come.


The Phoenix Marriage - God creates beauty out of ashesThe content in this post is adapted from our upcoming book (available on Amazon September 2014):

The Phoenix Marriage– Your most important earthly relationship can be restored, renewed, and reborn.

God makes beauty out of ashes.

 

To be among the first to know when the book is released, join our Marriage Booster newsletter.

 

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Tags: healing process, marriage renewal, power of words, second chances .

The Universal Love Language

Posted on June 17, 2014 by Kyle Gabhart Posted in Marriage Booster, Our Story .

When Gary Chapman released his book, The Five Love Languages, it revolutionized how we think and talk about relationships.  The concept of a “love language” quickly resonated with couples, pastors, and counselors around the globe. Over nearly two decades since the release of that seminal book, discussing your own love language and your spouse’s language has become common place. Unfortunately, the discussion surrounding love languages has tended to veer toward selfish indulgence, rather than unconditional acceptance.

The Language of Love

What we learn through the lens of love languages is that we experience love differently. While working hard for the family might be an expression of love for one person (act of service), it may not resonate with a spouse that primarily experiences love verbally (words of affirmation). Thus, it is important I learn to speak love in a way that my wife understands. This is superb insight, but it has a tendency to put the emphasis upon adapting ourselves to meet each others needs. This misses the mark. As important as it is to express love in a way that your husband or wife can understand, it is more important that you practice the universal love language.

The Universal Love Language

We each speak love a bit differently. Love is experienced as a combination of the five languages, with a strong preference for one or two. But there is a universal language of love that transcends all five. Grace.

How do you respond when your mate falls short of speaking your love language?Throughout God’s love story with the nation of Israel, there is a consistent thread of love – His grace.

From the parables of Jesus to the conversion of Paul, a common chorus of love rings out – His grace.

Gracious love delivered Israel repeatedly from their enemies.

Gracious love forgave Peter when he denied Christ three times.

Gracious love led Jesus to the cross to buy your freedom.

You might lean toward the love language of affection or quality time. Your mate might fluently speak words of affirmation or effortlessly perform acts of service. But the universal love language that we all understand…is grace.

Unconditional Acceptance

The concept of a love language isn’t just about learning to love each other better. It’s also about graciously accepting your mate when you don’t feel loved.

Affection is my primary love language. I am well-known for my bear hugs and I have raised my children to be very comfortable with giving and receiving affection. Tammy, on the other hand, is not nearly as fluent in the language of affection. During Marriage 1.0 (our relationship prior to The Fall), this language gap was a significant source of friction for us. While she was constantly demonstrating love through acts of service and quality time, none of that felt like love to me. As God has redeemed our relationship in Marriage 2.0, what has emerged from the ashes is a bond rooted in grace.

My wife diligently works to speak my language of affection, but she doesn’t always hit the mark. Likewise, I fall short in speaking her language of quality time and words of affirmation. What we have learned through the process of healing and marriage renewal is that the gap between my expression of love and her expression of love is filled by the universal language of grace.

  • Your mate fails to affectionately love you – give grace.
  • You are longing to hear words of affirmation from your spouse – give grace.
  • Time pressures rob you two of quality time together – give grace.
  • It’s been a while since you’ve received loving gifts – give grace.
  • Your mate has fallen short in demonstrating love through acts of service – give grace.

Grace is a balm for the heart, purely expressing love when words and actions fail to suffice.

Love Graciously

I’m not suggesting that you settle for a loveless relationship. Communicate openly with your spouse. Freely share with each other how you most clearly experience love and then work hard to meet each other’s needs. But realize that you each will short of demonstrating that love consistently. When that happens, avoid the temptation to feel bitterness or keep some sort of ridiculous ledger of loving deposits in your mind. Instead, fill the void you experience with the grace and love that you have so freely received from your Heavenly Father. Your mate deserves no less.

 

 

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Tags: acts of service, affection, communication, gifts, marriage renewal, quality time, unconditional love, words of affirmation .

Father’s Day Contest 2014

Posted on June 9, 2014 by Kyle Gabhart Posted in Holiday .

On June 15th, we celebrate fatherhood and the loving sacrifices made by the men in our lives.  In honor of Father’s Day and the men that serve our families so lovingly, we are hosting a contest. We’re giving away two $30 Visa Gift cards. If you win, use it to go out on a date with your special man or to buy him something extra.

– There are two ways to enter –

1) Comment on Facebook – We have a post where you can add a comment to answer the following question:

“What does your husband do to pursue your heart?”

As comments are posted and LIKEs are accumulated, the community will vote for the winner. The comment that receives the most LIKEs will win a $30 Visa Gift card.

2) Join our mailing list – We will randomly select one name from our Monthly Marriage Booster subscriber list. That lucky individual will also win a $30 Visa Gift card.

Fathers Day 2014 Contest

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Tags: gratitude, servant heart .

Five lies that can wreck your marriage

Posted on June 6, 2014 by Kyle Gabhart Posted in Marriage Booster .

Some marriages are confronted head-on with an obvious and devastating conflict, creating a crisis situation. But many marriages erode from within, fueled by debilitating lies. These lies are rooted in ignorance, selfishness, and fear. Assumptions about your mate and his or her intentions can produce bitterness and frustration in your heart. Left unchecked, they will rob you of joy and erode your marital bond. But for lie, there is a corresponding and liberating truth capable of sparking a marriage renewal.

Five Lies

Your internal dialogue shapes your heart and actions. Can you relate to any of these thoughts?

  1. Your spouse doesn’t care about you or your needs – Seeds of bitterness are in your heart.
  2. Some relationships just aren’t meant to work out – Doubt creeps into your mind.
  3. There is too much pain and bitterness to renew your marriage – Defeat overwhelms your spirit.
  4. Making a fresh start with someone else would be easier – A glimmer of false hope entices your imagination.
  5. If your spouse would change, then everything would be better – Self-centeredness blinds you to the real problems.

Bitterness, doubt, defeat, false hope and self-centeredness will exchange your gentleness for gruffness. Overtime, a wedge can be driven between your hearts and a widening gap appear in your relationship.

Five Truths

The lies that you rehearse in your mind, must be counteracted with truth. Consider the following statements of truth about your relationship.Marriage Tip 12 - Assume the best about your mate. ALWAYS

  1. You and your spouse are both children of God – Identity comforts your heart.
  2. Your marriage can be renewed and refreshed – Hope resolves doubt.
  3. God chose your mate as a gift for you – Thankfulness refreshes your spirit.
  4. Your marriage’s success has a divine purpose – Purpose and impact expand the scope of your imagination.
  5. God can save any marriage – He changes hearts and restores lives.

By shifting your attention from a horizontal focus (my needs, my problems, my ego) toward a vertical focus (His plan, His purpose, His timing), hope is restored.

The Power of Marriage Renewal

The battlefield in your marriage is not an obvious one, it is a battlefield of the mind (Ephesians 6:11-12). You must counteract lies with truth. Throughout your relationship, you will encounter multiple times when you are in need of marriage renewal. Your marriage will need reflection and refreshment. During these times, you are faced with a choice:

  • Choice 1: Believe lies that set my heart against my mate and toward my own selfishness
  • Choice 2: Assume the best about my mate and embrace the truth of God’s goodness, marriage’s value, and the hope and power of marriage renewal.

Truth sets you free from the lies (John 8:31-32), equipping you to pursue marriage renewal with vigor.


The Phoenix Marriage - God creates beauty out of ashesThe content in this post is adapted from our upcoming book (available on Amazon September 2014):

The Phoenix Marriage– Your most important earthly relationship can be restored, renewed, and reborn.

God makes beauty out of ashes.

 

To be among the first to know when the book is released, join our Marriage Booster newsletter.

 

Share
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Tags: healing process, marriage renewal .

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