Our Marriage Testimony on Bring It Radio – July 2014

Posted on July 28, 2014 by Kyle Gabhart Posted in Our Story, Testimony .

Kyle and Tammy’s Marriage Testimony: We sat down and talked with Michelle Bentham and Mindy Dawn, hosts of Bring IT Radio. They asked us questions about our marriage testimony, family, and our ministry. We shared our story – how we got together, how we fell apart, and how God’s love and grace redeemed our mess of a marriage.

Discussion topics included the following:

The stress of blending a family
How sin clouds your judgement
Lies that people believe about their marriage
Unconditional love, repentance, and forgiveness
How to rebuild trust
How to save your marriage
Plus, our up-coming book – The Phoenix Marriage

We hope that your marriage is blessed by our story and the truth of God’s redeeming and healing love. Your marriage testimony could be next.

Originally aired on 7/23/2014 on Bring IT Radio via FBRN Radio
© Bring IT Radio 2014, All Rights Reserved.

Edited and shared with permission of Bring IT Radio.

I Stopped Saying Two Words to My Wife And You Should Too

Posted on July 26, 2014 by Kyle Gabhart Posted in Marriage Booster .

Communication is an essential part of any successful relationship and marriage is no exception. Normally, I tend to recognize communication elements that I need to add to how I communicate with my wife. But sometimes, it’s just as important to recognize a bad habit and stop doing it. In this case, I have made a conscious decision to stop saying two words to my wife – I’m sorry.

Words Matter

It’s easy to get lazy with your word choice. There’s a tendency to flippantly use words without consideration for what they really mean. In the 1987 romantic comedy, The Princess Bride, Vizzini repeatedly uses the word “inconceivable” when things don’t work out the way that he intended. Each time, Inigo Montoya replies with the line: “You keep using that word. I do not think it means, what you think it means.”

Sloppy word choice is annoying when talking with an acquaintance. It’s problematic when interacting with a friend. But it can be poisonous for a marriage…

[This is an excerpt from a guest post over at Husband Revolution. You can read the full article there.]

How to Save Your Marriage – Part 1

Posted on July 20, 2014 by Kyle Gabhart Posted in Marriage Renewal .

“For richer, for poorer.”

“In sickness and in health.”

“Till death do us part.”

The two of you started off with the best of intentions, but something went awry. Once the newness wore off and the pressures of life set in, your bond began to unravel. It may have set in very quickly, or it might have taken many years, but eventually the stress of jobs, babies, bills, and married life took its toll on your relationship.

What do you do when your marriage has crumbled? How do you piece the fragments back together? What happens when your “I do” turns into “What do I do?”

Marriage Renewal Can Save Your Family from Divorce

We have come to accept that God can save any marriage. It may be hard to believe that right now. There may be a lot of pain between the two of you. One or both of you may have said some very hurtful things. But in spite of the pain in your past, any marriage can be salvaged. It requires a tremendous level of grit and commitment, but a genuine marriage renewal is possible. In addition to our own story of marriage renewal, we have met couples and walked alongside couples that have successfully renewed their marriages. Marriages are being saved every day. Yours could be the next success story.

Three Ingredients for a Successful Marriage Renewal

Renewing your marriage isn’t easy. It’s a lot of hard work. But it also isn’t complicated. All you really need are three essential ingredients.

God at the center – The most important asset your marriage has is faith. I won’t tell you that a marriage can’t be saved without a deep and abiding faith in God, but I will tell you that we have yet to encounter a successful renewal without it. (Jeremiah 32:17, Matthew 19:26)
Two willing people – One person can’t save a relationship by themselves. It takes two willing partners to do the hard work needed to renew a marriage. Both of you must be willing to work, willing to listen to each other, willing to change, and willing to fight for your marriage. As long as you are a team, the two of you can resolve any issue in your relationship. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)
Stubborn love – Love isn’t about goosebumps and butterflies. Romantic comedies give a false perception of real love. Marriage is less like Hugh Grant and more like Bear Grylls. You need a stubborn, tough-as-nails, love full of grit and determination. (I Corinthians 13:8)

The Marriage Renewal Process

As we describe in our up-coming book, The Phoenix Marriage, the marriage renewal process consists of three phases.

Phase 1: The First Forty Days – Initially you need an intense focus on your relationship. During this phase you prioritize your relationship above anything else. Spend time together and reconnect as a couple. Developing your communication skills, avoid negativity, speak kindness and optimism into your union, and rebuild your friendship. For some this is difficult, but for many this initial phase can be exhilarating and refreshing.
Phase 2: Healing and Rebuilding – Moving beyond the initial burst of activity in renewing your marriage, you must now begin the more long-term process of healing and rebuilding. You likely have a lot of hurt to unpack. The process of healing wounds is not a neat and clean one, because wounds heal crooked. This phase can be difficult to handle as the two of you experience emotional cycles and work through months or years of pain and neglect. Take it one day at a time and lean on the three ingredients we discussed earlier (God, your willingness to work as a team, a stubborn and unshakable love).
Phase 3: On-going Investment – Eventually the tone of your relationship will shift from healing and rebuilding to continual marriage renewal. Emotional episodes and relationship repair will occur less and less. At some point you will transition toward on-going maintenance and investment in your relationship. This level of engagement will be less than the first two phases, but far more than the level of investment you made before your renewal. Successful relationships require work. Never stop pouring love, honor, and grace into your marriage.

Marriage Renewal Ground Rules

If your marriage renewal is to be a success, the two of you must identify and agree to follow a fundamental set of ground rules.

Rule #1: Emotions are always good – No matter how hard it may be to hear your mate express the way he or she feels, you must realize that emotions are never “wrong”. There are certainly healthy and unhealthy expressions of emotion, but emotions themselves are ALWAYS valid.
Rule #2: Raw communication is encouraged – Everyone says they want honesty, but some truths are hard to hear. No matter how difficult it might be, we have found that open, honest communication is best. Brutal, no-holds barred authenticity is necessary if the two of you are going to be able to reconnect and process the pain between you.
Rule #3: Take responsibility for your stuff – How did your marriage get into trouble in the first place? It takes two to tango and it takes two to dissolve a marriage. Each of you played some role in whittling away the strength of your relationship. Admit your faults and put your heart on the line with a soul-reaching apology for hurting your mate.
Rule #4: Everyone loses at the blame game – Your marriage doesn’t need shaming and blaming. It needs massive doses of love and grace. Each of you should take responsibility for your own baggage and enthusiastically apologize to the other as needed (see Rule #3). But thrusting blame on your partner is never the right answer.
Rule #5: Don’t try to do this alone – Renewing your marriage will necessitate that you and your spouse spend a lot of time together; but you can’t renew your marriage alone. Your marriage needs a mentor. Each of you need positive influences in your lives to help hold you accountable in your renewal journey. Surround yourselves with a support network. Isolation is dangerous.

God Can Save Any Marriage

The exact course of your marriage renewal is not predictable. Your process will likely look different from what is experienced by others, but some elements are common. Your marriage renewal requires the same three ingredients, will follow the same basic three-step process, and should adhere to all five ground rules that we identified. These concepts and more are explored in greater detail in our up-coming book, The Phoenix Marriage.

This post is the first in a series of articles on marriage renewal. We’ll unpack more details on how to save your marriage in the next several posts.

I Ruined My Marriage and So Can You!

Posted on July 11, 2014 by Kyle Gabhart Posted in Marriage Booster, Marriage Renewal .

Some people think it’s hard to mess up a relationship, but it’s actually quite simple. I’m going to share with you the secret to screwing up your marriage so that you can learn to be a fool just like me!

OK. Are you ready for the secret? Here it comes…..Make it all about you.

Pretty simple, huh? It might seem simple, but if you are really going to fully commit to selfishness in your marriage, you’ll need to put some effort into it.

How to Ruin Your Marriage in Five Simple Steps

Selfishness requires complete and total commitment to yourself above all else. Your entire relationship must revolve around YOU.

Your needs – Focus on your own needs and what you are or are not getting out of the relationship.
Your pride – Wait for your mate to take the first step in addressing problems or resolving conflict.
Your priorities – Invest most of your time and energy in work, kids, friends, hobbies, and “me” time.
Your perspective – Make assumptions. Lots and lots of assumptions.
Your vanity – Compare your spouse and your marriage to others.

At every turn, find a way to view your mate and your marriage through the lens of how it directly impacts you and your ideas. The more intently you can focus on yourself, the quicker you’ll be able to ruin your once promising union. I should know, because I did all five of these and I very nearly destroyed my marriage as a result.

Step 1 – Your Needs

We are all born with needs. Needs are inherently good. But the trouble with marriage is that for it to be successful you have to die to yourself and put your mate’s needs above your own! You have to invest time and energy serving your husband or wife rather than worrying about how to get your own needs met. The irony, of course, is that when both of you do this, your respective needs get fulfilled beyond your wildest comprehension. But that requires a lot of time and sacrifice. The quicker path to meeting your needs is to beg, nag, complain, and manipulate your spouse into begrudgingly satisfying your desire for time and attention.

Step 2 – Your Pride

If you’ve been married for more than a week, you no doubt have uncovered areas of conflict. There are things that each of you do which frustrate and annoy the other. Friction inevitably arises, leaving you with a choice. You can either take the initiative in resolving the conflict or indignantly wait for your spouse to extend an olive branch. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love and Respect, suggests that the only way to break this inevitable stalemate is for “the more mature one to act first.” But of course, that would require accepting some measure of fault in the matter. That sort of humility and vulnerability could easily lead to a closer bond in your marriage. If, on the other hand, you’re aiming to ruin your marriage, I recommend that you stand your ground. Wait for your mate to take the initiative and admit fault first.

Step 3 – Your Priorities

Time is a precious commodity. Every one of us has vital choices to make daily in the way we spend our time. If you want a surefire way to chip away at your marital bonds and sap your relationship of joy, you need only move your marriage to the bottom of the priority stack. Work is essential and gratifying. Children are the future. Friends are irreplaceable. And hobbies are the only way to maintain your sanity! Whatever time or energy you have left over should be more than enough for your spouse to survive on. Besides, you don’t want to be one of those clingy, co-dependent couples. Yuck!

Step 4 – Your Perspective

Perspective is a marvelous thing. With it, we have the power to color any action or statement with all manner of meaning and implication. In fact, we naturally apply our own perspective to every piece of information that we absorb. Since you share so much for your life with your spouse, it is especially important to pay attention to what assumptions you make and what motivations you attach to his or her actions. If you aren’t careful, you might find yourself assuming the best about them. You might even extend grace and understanding to your mate. Be careful. If you want to sow seeds of bitterness and resentment in your relationship, you need to assume the worst case scenario whenever possible. Make sure and twist your mate’s words and actions into the worst possible light. After all, your perspective and your feelings are what truly matter.

Step 5 – Your Vanity

Remember when you got married? Remember how perfect and amazing your spouse seemed at the time? Well, it’s only a matter of time before you began to recognize his or her flaws. Which is a pretty raw deal because you deserve nothing but the best! Another key ingredient in dissolving the joy in your marriage is to constantly compare. Other couples seem happier, exercise together more, go on better vacations, have more fun with their kids, earn more money, are skinnier, tanner, and just all around better. Their grass is super green. Why can’t your marital grass be really green too? If you want to cripple your intimacy, take note of all the ways your spouse and your marriage don’t measure up to your ideal. Memorize the list and recite it to yourself. Next, complain frequently to your devoted mate about things on that list. Before you know it, your marriage will be headed for a tailspin!

Rome Wasn’t Destroyed in a Day

Doing any one or even all of these five steps might not demolish your marriage over night. In some cases, it may take years for your selfishness to erode the fiber of your marriage. But don’t give up! Keep making assumptions. Never stop comparing your spouse or your marriage to others. Most of all, constantly turn the focus of your relationship on yourself, taking every measure necessary to meet your needs at all costs. Your marriage may be resilient, but just keep chipping away at it. Enough selfishness and sin can wear down even the strongest bond. Your marriage can be a failure – one selfish day at a time.

The Declaration of Independence Lied to You

Posted on July 6, 2014 by Kyle Gabhart Posted in Marriage Renewal, Our Story, Uncategorized .

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

The Declaration of Independence lied to you.

Happiness isn’t something you pursue. It’s something you create.

I’ve tried to pursue happiness most of my life

In my twenties, I changed jobs every six months. I moved apartments constantly. I was always looking for the next hobby / project / activity to throw myself into. I have spent the majority of my adulthood chasing happiness in one form or another.

It took years before I stopped chasing happiness, but not before I made the biggest mistake of my life…

[This is an excerpt from a guest post over at Stupendous Marriage. You can read the full article there.]

Equip your Marriage

Monthly Archives: July 2014