Equip your Marriage

Author Archives: Kyle Gabhart

Practical Marriage Tips #1 and #2

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We have just begun the process of converting our marriage tips into videos.  Check it out!

Tip #1 – Ask God to help you see your spouse like Jesus does. (I Samuel 16:7)
 

 
This tip had a profound impact on our marriage when we discovered it early on in our marriage renewal process. It radically alters your perspective when you start thinking of your mate as someone that exists to meet your needs and expectations and start seeing them as a unique and precious child of God.
 
 
Tip #2 – Praise your spouse today for some quality of their heart. Look them in the eyes and encourage them in love.

It’s easy to complement a person based upon their external qualities. It requires a much deeper level of interest and perception to recognize and affirm intrinsic character qualities. Take your praise to the next level.

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Our Marriage Testimony on Bring It Radio – July 2014

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Bring IT Radio Show - Our Marriage Testimony

Kyle and Tammy’s Marriage Testimony: We sat down and talked with Michelle Bentham and Mindy Dawn, hosts of Bring IT Radio. They asked us questions about our marriage testimony, family, and our ministry. We shared our story – how we got together, how we fell apart, and how God’s love and grace redeemed our mess of a marriage.

Discussion topics included the following:

We hope that your marriage is blessed by our story and the truth of God’s redeeming and healing love. Your marriage testimony could be next.

Originally aired on 7/23/2014 on Bring IT Radio via FBRN Radio
© Bring IT Radio 2014, All Rights Reserved.

Edited and shared with permission of Bring IT Radio.

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I Stopped Saying Two Words to My Wife And You Should Too

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Communication is an essential part of any successful relationship and marriage is no exception. Normally, I tend to recognize communication elements that I need to add to how I communicate with my wife. But sometimes, it’s just as important to recognize a bad habit and stop doing it. In this case, I have made a conscious decision to stop saying two words to my wife – I’m sorry.

 

Words Matter

It’s easy to get lazy with your word choice. There’s a tendency to flippantly use words without consideration for what they really mean. In the 1987 romantic comedy, The Princess Bride, Vizzini repeatedly uses the word “inconceivable” when things don’t work out the way that he intended. Each time, Inigo Montoya replies with the line: “You keep using that word. I do not think it means, what you think it means.”

Sloppy word choice is annoying when talking with an acquaintance. It’s problematic when interacting with a friend. But it can be poisonous for a marriage…

[This is an excerpt from a guest post over at Husband Revolution. You can read the full article there.]

 

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How to Save Your Marriage – Part 1

Posted on by Posted in Marriage Renewal .
“For richer, for poorer.”
“In sickness and in health.”
“Till death do us part.”How do you renew your marriage
 
The two of you started off with the best of intentions, but something went awry. Once the newness wore off and the pressures of life set in, your bond began to unravel. It may have set in very quickly, or it might have taken many years, but eventually the stress of jobs, babies, bills, and married life took its toll on your relationship.
 
What do you do when your marriage has crumbled? How do you piece the fragments back together? What happens when your “I do” turns into “What do I do?”

Marriage Renewal Can Save Your Family from Divorce

We have come to accept that God can save any marriage. It may be hard to believe that right now. There may be a lot of pain between the two of you. One or both of you may have said some very hurtful things. But in spite of the pain in your past, any marriage can be salvaged. It requires a tremendous level of grit and commitment, but a genuine marriage renewal is possible. In addition to our own story of marriage renewal, we have met couples and walked alongside couples that have successfully renewed their marriages. Marriages are being saved every day. Yours could be the next success story.

Three Ingredients for a Successful Marriage Renewal

Renewing your marriage isn’t easy. It’s a lot of hard work. But it also isn’t complicated. All you really need are three essential ingredients.
  1. God at the center – The most important asset your marriage has is faith. I won’t tell you that a marriage can’t be saved without a deep and abiding faith in God, but I will tell you that we have yet to encounter a successful renewal without it. (Jeremiah 32:17, Matthew 19:26)
  2. Two willing people – One person can’t save a relationship by themselves. It takes two willing partners to do the hard work needed to renew a marriage. Both of you must be willing to work, willing to listen to each other, willing to change, and willing to fight for your marriage. As long as you are a team, the two of you can resolve any issue in your relationship. (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)
  3. Stubborn love – Love isn’t about goosebumps and butterflies. Romantic comedies give a false perception of real love. Marriage is less like Hugh Grant and more like Bear Grylls. You need a stubborn, tough-as-nails, love full of grit and determination. (I Corinthians 13:8) Love your spouse like Jesus does.

The Marriage Renewal Process

As we describe in our up-coming book, The Phoenix Marriage, the marriage renewal process consists of three phases.
  • Phase 1: The First Forty Days – Initially you need an intense focus on your relationship. During this phase you prioritize your relationship above anything else. Spend time together and reconnect as a couple. Developing your communication skills, avoid negativity, speak kindness and optimism into your union, and rebuild your friendship. For some this is difficult, but for many this initial phase can be exhilarating and refreshing. 
  • Phase 2: Healing and Rebuilding – Moving beyond the initial burst of activity in renewing your marriage, you must now begin the more long-term process of healing and rebuilding. You likely have a lot of hurt to unpack. The process of healing wounds is not a neat and clean one, because wounds heal crooked. This phase can be difficult to handle as the two of you experience emotional cycles and work through months or years of pain and neglect. Take it one day at a time and lean on the three ingredients we discussed earlier (God, your willingness to work as a team, a stubborn and unshakable love).
  • Phase 3: On-going Investment – Eventually the tone of your relationship will shift from healing and rebuilding to continual marriage renewal. Emotional episodes and relationship repair will occur less and less. At some point you will transition toward on-going maintenance and investment in your relationship. This level of engagement will be less than the first two phases, but far more than the level of investment you made before your renewal. Successful relationships require work. Never stop pouring love, honor, and grace into your marriage.

Marriage Renewal Ground Rules

If your marriage renewal is to be a success, the two of you must identify and agree to follow a fundamental set of ground rules.
  • Rule #1: Emotions are always good – No matter how hard it may be to hear your mate express the way he or she feels, you must realize that emotions are never “wrong”. There are certainly healthy and unhealthy expressions of emotion, but emotions themselves are ALWAYS valid.
  • Rule #2: Raw communication is encouraged – Everyone says they want honesty, but some truths are hard to hear. No matter how difficult it might be, we have found that open, honest communication is best. Brutal, no-holds barred authenticity is necessary if the two of you are going to be able to reconnect and process the pain between you.
  • Rule #3: Take responsibility for your stuff – How did your marriage get into trouble in the first place? It takes two to tango and it takes two to dissolve a marriage. Each of you played some role in whittling away the strength of your relationship. Admit your faults and put your heart on the line with a soul-reaching apology for hurting your mate.
  • Rule #4: Everyone loses at the blame game – Your marriage doesn’t need shaming and blaming. It needs massive doses of love and grace. Each of you should take responsibility for your own baggage and enthusiastically apologize to the other as needed (see Rule #3). But thrusting blame on your partner is never the right answer.
  • Rule #5: Don’t try to do this alone – Renewing your marriage will necessitate that you and your spouse spend a lot of time together; but you can’t renew your marriage alone. Your marriage needs a mentor. Each of you need positive influences in your lives to help hold you accountable in your renewal journey. Surround yourselves with a support network. Isolation is dangerous.

If anything in your life has ever been worth fighting for - Fight for your marriage. Marriage renewal is possible, it just takes work.God Can Save Any Marriage

The exact course of your marriage renewal is not predictable. Your process will likely look different from what is experienced by others, but some elements are common. Your marriage renewal requires the same three ingredients, will follow the same basic three-step process, and should adhere to all five ground rules that we identified. These concepts and more are explored in greater detail in our up-coming book, The Phoenix Marriage.
 
This post is the first in a series of articles on marriage renewal. We’ll unpack more details on how to save your marriage in the next several posts.
 
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I Ruined My Marriage and So Can You!

Posted on by Posted in Marriage Booster, Marriage Renewal .

Some people think it’s hard to mess up a relationship, but it’s actually quite simple. I’m going to share with you the secret to screwing up your marriage so that you can learn to be a fool just like me!

OK. Are you ready for the secret? Here it comes…..Make it all about you.

Pretty simple, huh? It might seem simple, but if you are really going to fully commit to selfishness in your marriage, you’ll need to put some effort into it.

How to Ruin Your Marriage in Five Simple Steps

Checklist to followSelfishness requires complete and total commitment to yourself above all else. Your entire relationship must revolve around YOU.

  1. Your needs – Focus on your own needs and what you are or are not getting out of the relationship.
  2. Your pride – Wait for your mate to take the first step in addressing problems or resolving conflict.
  3. Your priorities – Invest most of your time and energy in work, kids, friends, hobbies, and “me” time.
  4. Your perspective – Make assumptions. Lots and lots of assumptions.
  5. Your vanity – Compare your spouse and your marriage to others.

At every turn, find a way to view your mate and your marriage through the lens of how it directly impacts you and your ideas. The more intently you can focus on yourself, the quicker you’ll be able to ruin your once promising union. I should know, because I did all five of these and I very nearly destroyed my marriage as a result.

Step 1 – Your Needs

We are all born with needs. Needs are inherently good. But the trouble with marriage is that for it to be successful you have to die to yourself and put your mate’s needs above your own! You have to invest time and energy serving your husband or wife rather than worrying about how to get your own needs met. The irony, of course, is that when both of you do this, your respective needs get fulfilled beyond your wildest comprehension. But that requires a lot of time and sacrifice. The quicker path to meeting your needs is to beg, nag, complain, and manipulate your spouse into begrudgingly satisfying your desire for time and attention.

Step 2 – Your Pride

If you’ve been married for more than a week, you no doubt have uncovered areas of conflict. There are things that each of you do which frustrate and annoy the other. Friction inevitably arises, leaving you with a choice. You can either take the initiative in resolving the conflict or indignantly wait for your spouse to extend an olive branch. Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, author of Love and Respect, suggests that the only way to break this inevitable stalemate is for “the more mature one to act first.” But of course, that would require accepting some measure of fault in the matter. That sort of humility and vulnerability could easily lead to a closer bond in your marriage. If, on the other hand, you’re aiming to ruin your marriage, I recommend that you stand your ground. Wait for your mate to take the initiative and admit fault first. 

It's all about you.Step 3 – Your Priorities

Time is a precious commodity. Every one of us has vital choices to make daily in the way we spend our time. If you want a surefire way to chip away at your marital bonds and sap your relationship of joy, you need only move your marriage to the bottom of the priority stack. Work is essential and gratifying. Children are the future. Friends are irreplaceable. And hobbies are the only way to maintain your sanity! Whatever time or energy you have left over should be more than enough for your spouse to survive on. Besides, you don’t want to be one of those clingy, co-dependent couples. Yuck!

Step 4 – Your Perspective

Perspective is a marvelous thing. With it, we have the power to color any action or statement with all manner of meaning and implication. In fact, we naturally apply our own perspective to every piece of information that we absorb. Since you share so much for your life with your spouse, it is especially important to pay attention to what assumptions you make and what motivations you attach to his or her actions. If you aren’t careful, you might find yourself assuming the best about them. You might even extend grace and understanding to your mate. Be careful. If you want to sow seeds of bitterness and resentment in your relationship, you need to assume the worst case scenario whenever possible. Make sure and twist your mate’s words and actions into the worst possible light. After all, your perspective and your feelings are what truly matter.

Step 5 – Your Vanity

Remember when you got married? Remember how perfect and amazing your spouse seemed at the time? Well, it’s only a matter of time before you began to recognize his or her flaws. Which is a pretty raw deal because you deserve nothing but the best! Another key ingredient in dissolving the joy in your marriage is to constantly compare. Other couples seem happier, exercise together more, go on better vacations, have more fun with their kids, earn more money, are skinnier, tanner, and just all around better. Their grass is super green. Why can’t your marital grass be really green too? If you want to cripple your intimacy, take note of all the ways your spouse and your marriage don’t measure up to your ideal. Memorize the list and recite it to yourself. Next, complain frequently to your devoted mate about things on that list. Before you know it, your marriage will be headed for a tailspin!

Rome Wasn’t Destroyed in a Day

Doing any one or even all of these five steps might not demolish your marriage over night. In some cases, it may take years for your selfishness to erode the fiber of your marriage. But don’t give up! Keep making assumptions. Never stop comparing your spouse or your marriage to others. Most of all, constantly turn the focus of your relationship on yourself, taking every measure necessary to meet your needs at all costs. Your marriage may be resilient, but just keep chipping away at it. Enough selfishness and sin can wear down even the strongest bond. Your marriage can be a failure – one selfish day at a time.

 

 

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The Declaration of Independence Lied to You

Posted on by Posted in Marriage Renewal, Our Story, Uncategorized .

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”

The Declaration of Independence lied to you.

Happiness isn’t something you pursue. It’s something you create.

I’ve tried to pursue happiness most of my life

In my twenties, I changed jobs every six months. I moved apartments constantly. I was always looking for the next hobby / project / activity to throw myself into. I have spent the majority of my adulthood chasing happiness in one form or another.

It took years before I stopped chasing happiness, but not before I made the biggest mistake of my life…

[This is an excerpt from a guest post over at Stupendous Marriage. You can read the full article there.]

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Eight rules for rebuilding trust in your marriage

Posted on by Posted in Marriage Renewal, Our Story .

Trust. Its the cornerstone of any relationship. It holds soldiers together in foxholes and knits hearts together in marriage. The bond of trust is sacred and precious – until it’s broken.

What do you do when you cross the line that you swore you would never cross? How do you continue in a relationship when your spouse breaks your heart, trampling on the vows he or she promised to keep? Whether the result of infidelity, abuse, addiction, or neglect, the loss of trust in a relationship is devastating. And while the prospect of a bright future together looks dim, there is hope.

Rebuilding trust in your marriage is hard, because wounds heal crooked. My wife and I are 18 months into our own journey of renewal. Along the way, we have been blessed to walk alongside other couples. Some are further down the road than we are and others have just recently begun their renewal process. Through our renewal process and that of others, we have gleaned eight rules for rebuilding trust in your marriage.

Eight Rules for Rebuilding Trust in Your Marriage

Many of these rules apply equally to both parties, while others are specific to the spouse that is working to rebuild the trust (the trust healer) or the spouse that is learning to trust again (the hurting spouse).

  1. Be patient (both of you) – There is no timetable for rebuilding trust. Forgiveness and trust are very personal matters and require a sufficient and unknown amount of time to accomplish. Don’t rush this process.
  2. Be open (both of you) – Communicate early (before a problem can escalate) and often (as frequently as an issue occurs). Share your hearts with one another and be vulnerable in expressing your doubts and fears.
  3. Be reliable (trust healer) – Under-promise and over-deliver. Don’t make hasty, unrealistic commitments. Instead, let your word be your bond and overwhelm your spouse with your consistency and predictability.
  4. Be humble (trust healer) – Pride is the enemy of trust. You must empty yourself of ego and be willing to take any measures necessary to heal the brokenness (formal apologies, schedule changes, job changes, routine changes, etc.).
  5. Be receptive (hurting spouse) – You must be receptive to the work that God wants to do in your heart. You also need to be open to receiving love from your spouse and accept his or her efforts to demonstrate trustworthiness.
  6. Be understanding (trust healer) – Recognize that your spouse is hurt and those wounds will take time to heal. Throughout the healing process, be prepared to provide constant reassurance. Furthermore, the healing process may go in cycles. There will be good days and bad days, but be compassionate and understanding throughout.
  7. Be courageous (both of you) – It is tempting to give into fear and doubt, to assume that one or both of your will break the trust again. It is tempting to believe that the outlook is hopeless. Resist all of this negativity. Be optimistic and courageous.
  8. Be expectant (both of you) – Expect God to reveal Himself powerfully. Put your faith in Him and expect that He will meet both of you more than half-way. You aren’t in this alone. The God of Heaven is in your corner and will bless your marriage with the peace and understanding you need to re-establish confidence.

Once trust has been broken, it is difficult – but not impossible – to restore. As Jesus said, “With God all things are possible” (Matt 19:26).

Rebuilding Trust in Your Marriage is Tricky

Once trust has been broken by one or both of you, you’ll find yourselves caught in a colossal “catch-22” scenario. On the one hand, trust has been broken and is in desperate need of restoration. On the other hand, the primary means of rebuilding trust is to use words. When your words no longer carry weight, how can you possibly use them to repair the damaged trust?

As I discussed in a previous post, when you realize that talk is cheap, you must resort to demonstrating your love and commitment through action.How to rebuild trust in your marriage

Actions elegantly and clearly express your heart. By their very nature, they cannot lie. Sacrificial love can be demonstrated daily. Honor can be given through your actions. Day by day and week by week trust can be rebuild through acts of love, honor, and sacrifice. In time, words can once again regain power. But that must be earned.

Rebuilding Trust in Your Marriage is Worth It

It breaks my heart that you marriage is in need of renewal. Loss of trust is devastating and rebuilding that trust is a very hard road. But take heart, because it’s worth it. Your marriage can be made new again. Like scar tissue forming over a wound, the end result might be messy but it will be stronger than it was before. Marriage renewal isn’t just about surviving, but about thriving. Tammy and I have never been so close or felt so hopeful about the road ahead. The bond of trust can be rebuilt in your marriage, too. Your best days are together are yet to come.

The Phoenix Marriage - God creates beauty out of ashesThe content in this post is adapted from our upcoming book (available on Amazon September 2014):

The Phoenix Marriage– Your most important earthly relationship can be restored, renewed, and reborn.

God makes beauty out of ashes.

 

To be among the first to know when the book is released, join our Marriage Booster newsletter.

 

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The Universal Love Language

Posted on by Posted in Marriage Booster, Our Story .

When Gary Chapman released his book, The Five Love Languages, it revolutionized how we think and talk about relationships.  The concept of a “love language” quickly resonated with couples, pastors, and counselors around the globe. Over nearly two decades since the release of that seminal book, discussing your own love language and your spouse’s language has become common place. Unfortunately, the discussion surrounding love languages has tended to veer toward selfish indulgence, rather than unconditional acceptance.

The Language of Love

What we learn through the lens of love languages is that we experience love differently. While working hard for the family might be an expression of love for one person (act of service), it may not resonate with a spouse that primarily experiences love verbally (words of affirmation). Thus, it is important I learn to speak love in a way that my wife understands. This is superb insight, but it has a tendency to put the emphasis upon adapting ourselves to meet each others needs. This misses the mark. As important as it is to express love in a way that your husband or wife can understand, it is more important that you practice the universal love language.

The Universal Love Language

We each speak love a bit differently. Love is experienced as a combination of the five languages, with a strong preference for one or two. But there is a universal language of love that transcends all five. Grace.

How do you respond when your mate falls short of speaking your love language?Throughout God’s love story with the nation of Israel, there is a consistent thread of love – His grace.

From the parables of Jesus to the conversion of Paul, a common chorus of love rings out – His grace.

Gracious love delivered Israel repeatedly from their enemies.

Gracious love forgave Peter when he denied Christ three times.

Gracious love led Jesus to the cross to buy your freedom.

You might lean toward the love language of affection or quality time. Your mate might fluently speak words of affirmation or effortlessly perform acts of service. But the universal love language that we all understand…is grace.

Unconditional Acceptance

The concept of a love language isn’t just about learning to love each other better. It’s also about graciously accepting your mate when you don’t feel loved.

Affection is my primary love language. I am well-known for my bear hugs and I have raised my children to be very comfortable with giving and receiving affection. Tammy, on the other hand, is not nearly as fluent in the language of affection. During Marriage 1.0 (our relationship prior to The Fall), this language gap was a significant source of friction for us. While she was constantly demonstrating love through acts of service and quality time, none of that felt like love to me. As God has redeemed our relationship in Marriage 2.0, what has emerged from the ashes is a bond rooted in grace.

My wife diligently works to speak my language of affection, but she doesn’t always hit the mark. Likewise, I fall short in speaking her language of quality time and words of affirmation. What we have learned through the process of healing and marriage renewal is that the gap between my expression of love and her expression of love is filled by the universal language of grace.

  • Your mate fails to affectionately love you – give grace.
  • You are longing to hear words of affirmation from your spouse – give grace.
  • Time pressures rob you two of quality time together – give grace.
  • It’s been a while since you’ve received loving gifts – give grace.
  • Your mate has fallen short in demonstrating love through acts of service – give grace.

Grace is a balm for the heart, purely expressing love when words and actions fail to suffice.

Love Graciously

I’m not suggesting that you settle for a loveless relationship. Communicate openly with your spouse. Freely share with each other how you most clearly experience love and then work hard to meet each other’s needs. But realize that you each will short of demonstrating that love consistently. When that happens, avoid the temptation to feel bitterness or keep some sort of ridiculous ledger of loving deposits in your mind. Instead, fill the void you experience with the grace and love that you have so freely received from your Heavenly Father. Your mate deserves no less.

 

 

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Father’s Day Contest 2014

Posted on by Posted in Holiday .

On June 15th, we celebrate fatherhood and the loving sacrifices made by the men in our lives.  In honor of Father’s Day and the men that serve our families so lovingly, we are hosting a contest. We’re giving away two $30 Visa Gift cards. If you win, use it to go out on a date with your special man or to buy him something extra.

– There are two ways to enter –

1) Comment on Facebook – We have a post where you can add a comment to answer the following question:

“What does your husband do to pursue your heart?”

As comments are posted and LIKEs are accumulated, the community will vote for the winner. The comment that receives the most LIKEs will win a $30 Visa Gift card.

2) Join our mailing list – We will randomly select one name from our Monthly Marriage Booster subscriber list. That lucky individual will also win a $30 Visa Gift card.

Fathers Day 2014 Contest

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Five lies that can wreck your marriage

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Some marriages are confronted head-on with an obvious and devastating conflict, creating a crisis situation. But many marriages erode from within, fueled by debilitating lies. These lies are rooted in ignorance, selfishness, and fear. Assumptions about your mate and his or her intentions can produce bitterness and frustration in your heart. Left unchecked, they will rob you of joy and erode your marital bond. But for lie, there is a corresponding and liberating truth capable of sparking a marriage renewal.

Five Lies

Your internal dialogue shapes your heart and actions. Can you relate to any of these thoughts?

  1. Your spouse doesn’t care about you or your needs – Seeds of bitterness are in your heart.
  2. Some relationships just aren’t meant to work out – Doubt creeps into your mind.
  3. There is too much pain and bitterness to renew your marriage – Defeat overwhelms your spirit.
  4. Making a fresh start with someone else would be easier – A glimmer of false hope entices your imagination.
  5. If your spouse would change, then everything would be better – Self-centeredness blinds you to the real problems.

Bitterness, doubt, defeat, false hope and self-centeredness will exchange your gentleness for gruffness. Overtime, a wedge can be driven between your hearts and a widening gap appear in your relationship.

Five Truths

The lies that you rehearse in your mind, must be counteracted with truth. Consider the following statements of truth about your relationship.Marriage Tip 12 - Assume the best about your mate. ALWAYS

  1. You and your spouse are both children of God – Identity comforts your heart.
  2. Your marriage can be renewed and refreshed – Hope resolves doubt.
  3. God chose your mate as a gift for you – Thankfulness refreshes your spirit.
  4. Your marriage’s success has a divine purpose – Purpose and impact expand the scope of your imagination.
  5. God can save any marriage – He changes hearts and restores lives.

By shifting your attention from a horizontal focus (my needs, my problems, my ego) toward a vertical focus (His plan, His purpose, His timing), hope is restored.

The Power of Marriage Renewal

The battlefield in your marriage is not an obvious one, it is a battlefield of the mind (Ephesians 6:11-12). You must counteract lies with truth. Throughout your relationship, you will encounter multiple times when you are in need of marriage renewal. Your marriage will need reflection and refreshment. During these times, you are faced with a choice:

  • Choice 1: Believe lies that set my heart against my mate and toward my own selfishness
  • Choice 2: Assume the best about my mate and embrace the truth of God’s goodness, marriage’s value, and the hope and power of marriage renewal.

Truth sets you free from the lies (John 8:31-32), equipping you to pursue marriage renewal with vigor.

The Phoenix Marriage - God creates beauty out of ashesThe content in this post is adapted from our upcoming book (available on Amazon September 2014):

The Phoenix Marriage– Your most important earthly relationship can be restored, renewed, and reborn.

God makes beauty out of ashes.

 

To be among the first to know when the book is released, join our Marriage Booster newsletter.

 

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