Equip your Marriage | Tag Archives: communication

Talk is cheap

Posted on May 19, 2014 by Kyle Gabhart Posted in Marriage Booster, Our Story .

As children we wrestled with the concept of truth, relying upon the almighty promise. Anyone could say they would do something, but did they PROMISE? Did they ‘pinky swear’? Or how about: “…cross my heart, hope to die, stick a needle in my eye.” We would go to great lengths as children to re-enforce the truth of what we were saying with some sort of linguistic overture.

But what happens when that trust in words has been broken?

Words are tricky

Language is powerful. With it we can communicate thoughts, feelings, and intentions. We can convey knowledge, or reveal ignorance. Through language we can build up, or we can destroy. I wrote previously about the power of words in relationships (Sticks and Stones).

Sometimes, words fail us:

You try to express how you are feeling, but it comes out wrong, perhaps hurting your spouse.
In a moment of frustration you carelessly launch a volley of painful words at your mate.
You construct a web of lies with words in order to manipulate the relationship or hide your sin.

When words fail us, we find ourselves in a predicament. To right a wrong, we tend to rely upon language. To heal a hurt, we typically turn to conversation. To rebuild trust, we often make promises about what we will or won’t do in the future. But if your words have resulted in pain for your spouse. How can you possibly repair the relationship?

Actions are clear

When Tammy and I began to rebuild our own relationship, we quickly ran into a quandary. During marriage 1.0 (what Tammy and I refer to as the early, selfish, skewed version of our relationship) I had made a slew of commitments to Tammy. I told her that I would always honor her. I told her that I would never leave her. I told her that our family was a priority for me. I told her that I would keep her heart safe and protect her. But I violated her trust and replaced those commitments with an internal commitment to look out for myself and no one else. My words had failed me because they no longer carried any weight with my beloved.

As we began to build marriage 2.0 (our new, God-centered relationship), I found it very difficult to convince Tammy that things would truly be different. She didn’t trust me, and I didn’t blame her. So what do you do when your words carry no weight and yet you need to reassure your mate that the path of your new life together will be different? While praying over this, the Lord brought me a very simple and profound message – “You show her that you love her. Talk is cheap, but actions speak louder than words. Best of all, actions never lie.” It was simple, and yet so profound. If Tammy couldn’t trust the things I said, she could learn to trust me by my behavior. Where words had failed me, my patient and loving actions could knit her heart and her trust back together, little by little.

Talk is cheap. Action is priceless.

You will know them by their fruits

Throughout our renewal process, Tammy would repeatedly have doubts and fears crop up. This is natural, because as I have previously written, wounds heal crooked. Each time that Tammy was plagued with doubts about the things I would say and the commitments I would repeatedly make, I pointed her toward my actions to offer reassurance.

I would gently remind her by asking probing questions:

Am I behaving in a loving manner?
Do you see me putting your needs and our family’s needs first?
When I engage you, do you experience love and respect?

You see, not only are words tricky, but our emotions can get the best of us. We can get carried away with doubt, fear, and resentment from years of pain and neglect. So how can we sort it out and see what is true and what is false? The Bible says that you can identify a true heart vs a deceitful heart by looking at its ‘fruit’ (Matthew 7:16-18). So look at your mate’s actions and see if they reflect fruit from a loving heart (I Corinthians 13) and a soul devoted to becoming more Christ-like.

“…the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, forbearance, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.” (Galatians 5:22-23)

Words can fail you, but actions are clear and incapable of deceit. If you find that it is difficult to rely upon words when renewing and refreshing your marriage, turn towards the power and clarity of action. Instead of promising or swearing or sticking needles in your eye, demonstrate your love through the honor and care you bestow upon your mate. Serve your spouse daily with a selfless, authentic love. Your consistent acts of genuine love and service will resonate more clearly and effectively than any speech could ever hope to accomplish. Words come from the head, but behavior comes from the heart.

Your marriage might be missing something, but every marriage needs it!

Posted on May 13, 2014 by Kyle Gabhart Posted in Marriage Booster .

Ours is a culture of rabid self-sufficiency. We tend to bestow more honor or respect upon those that are able to strike out on their own and overcome the odds. Some believe that asking for help is a sign of weakness and seeing a counselor is something that only ‘screwed-up’ people do. Well, I have a news flash for you – we’re all screwed up. We are broken people in a fallen world and there is no shame in leaning on others and seeking advice.

Scripture is quite clear on the folly of pride and self-sufficiency:

Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.” – Proverbs 16:18

Moreover, we are repeatedly encouraged to seek counsel and pursue wisdom. Wait a second…I thought this post was gonna be about marriage?? Yep, it is – Your marriage needs a mentor.

[This is an excerpt from a guest post over at Husband Revolution. You can read the full article there.]

My wife had a tough week, and I missed it!

Posted on May 5, 2014 by Kyle Gabhart Posted in Marriage Booster, Our Story .

Last week was difficult for my wife. She was struggling more or less the entire week with doubts, fears, and unwelcome reminders of pain from our past. Worst of all? I missed it.

How did I miss it?

Tammy needed me to come alongside her and provide spiritual and emotional support to wage a battle in her mind, and I missed it. How, might you imagine, could I miss such a thing?

That’s what happens when you don’t talk to each other!

Talk to each other? We talk daily. We pray daily. We are each other’s best friend and have cultivated a very close relationship. We text each other constantly, chat online throughout the day, and talk to each other on the phone. Lack of communication was hardly the reason I missed my wife’s battle.

OK, so you talked, but you weren’t really listening.

That’s certainly a possibility. I have been known to “nod knowingly” while being otherwise engaged in my brain. Last week, however, this wasn’t the case at all. We talked daily and I DID listen. I was very much aware on a day-to-day basis that my bride was encountering challenges. Each time she shared, I offered support and encouragement as a good husband and friend should do.

You probably offered solutions instead of support.

Good thinking. Men commonly fall into the trap of attempting to solve a problem for their wife rather than lending an ear and being supportive. Chalk it up to having a marriage counselor for a father and being a student of communication and relationships for much of my life, but I didn’t succumb to this common pitfall! I did not try to ‘fix’ the situation for her.

I missed the forest!

Very simply, I was aware of and dealt with the trees in my wife’s heart last week. But I completely missed the forest! Each day I was aware of challenges that she experienced and I dutifully supported her to the best of my ability. The problem is that I didn’t recognize the pattern. It wasn’t until the end of the week that I put all of the pieces together and realized that she was feeling attacked mentally and spiritually almost every day!

On Friday, I sat down with a couple of Christian brothers to share our respective weeks and how we could pray for one another. I began to describe my week and it all clicked into place! I realized that Tammy hadn’t just had a rough day or two, but that nearly every day that week she had been waging a mental battle against doubt, fear, and pain. As I posted a couple weeks ago, wounds heal crooked. I have come to accept that it isn’t a smooth or predictable process. Consequently, I eagerly lent a sympathetic ear to my lovely wife, but I missed the bigger picture.

Last week, Tammy needed more from me than just a sympathetic ear or a comforting shoulder. She needed more than a husband who was available to be supportive and encouraging. She needed a champion. She needed for me to roll up my sleeves and tackle these painful memories and looming fears directly and completely. She was experiencing a chronic episode of doubt and fear that I was treating as acute, isolated obstacles.

Deal with the forest AND the trees

The Trees: Communication in your relationship is critical to building intimacy. You need to talk every day and be aware of the highs and lows that each of you is experiencing.

The Forest: Your relationship also needs perspective. You and your spouse need to take time (weekly, monthly, etc.) to look at your relationship and your family dynamics from a broader perspective. Identify trends, recognize patterns, and put your heads together to deal with opportunities and threats that you uncover.

Once I recognized the broader forest of challenges that my bride was wrestling with, I sprung into action. I made a concerted and comprehensive effort to come alongside her heart and wage a war against the FUD (fear, uncertainty, and doubt) that was plaguing her mind with lies.

For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, – II Corinthians 10:4-5 (ESV)