Equip your Marriage

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Marriage Intimacy Meter

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Intimacy in marriage is one of the most important indicators of your relationship’s health. If you and your spouse are not bonded spiritually, emotionally, and physically, you become far more susceptible to conflict and division. Quality time, vulnerable communication, and generous affection knit your hearts together into a beautiful union. Fortunately, there’s not much going on in your life to get in the way of these essential aspects of your relationship. Right?

Intimacy Killers

  • Stress
  • Work
  • Financial strain
  • Kids activities
  • Hobbies
  • Health problems
  • Family drama
  • Moving
  • Home maintenance
  • Life

With so many obstacles, it’s important that you periodically take time to evaluate your level of intimacy and determine if sufficient priority is being given to your relationship.

Gauging Your Marriage’s Intimacy

While couple’s build intimacy through a wide range of methods, there are a handful of classic elements you can evaluate to gauge your current level of marital intimacy.

Marital Intimacy Meter from Equip Your Marriage

Just like we describe in Chapter 11 of The Phoenix Marriage:

Marriage is your most important earthly relationship. When you marry, the two of you become “one flesh.” If you starve your marriage, you starve yourself. Nourishing your relationship and prioritizing your mate is one of the most important things you can do each day. The only thing more important, is your relationship with God.

Commit today to taking one or two concrete steps to invest in building more intimacy in your marriage. The rewards you’ll reap will last a lifetime.

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How to Save Your Marriage – Part 3

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Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.  – II Corinthians 5:17
If anything in your life has ever been worth fighting for - Fight for your marriageGod is in the business of renewal and restoration. If you put God at the center of your relationship (Part 1) and commit to investing deeply in your marriage for 40 days (Part 2), God will breathe new life and energy into you both. But how do you transition from that intense focus to a more maintainable level of energy? The level of intense focus and energy that your marriage renewal requires initially cannot and does not need to be maintained indefinitely. After 40 days, you’ll want to transition into the new phase of your renewal.
 

Phase Two – Healing and Rebuilding

In the initial phase of your renewal, you are working to enrich your marriage, recapture your friendship, and put God at the center of your union. Making these changes permanent requires an important transition in your mindset and your activities.
 
As I describe in chapter 7 of The Phoenix Marriage:

Your first forty days were likely a roller-coaster of emotion, intimacy, and vulnerability. Many couples get caught up in the energy and the excitement of breathing new life into their marriage. However, the critical season following those first forty days will determine whether these changes will last or if the couple will slip back into old patterns and behaviors.

You want this new version of your marriage to last, don’t you? Rebuilding your bond and healing relationship wounds characterize much of this second phase. Additionally, you will be transitioning to more sustainable levels of focus and energy. As with the first phase, defining goals and concrete actions will be critical for success.
 

Rebuliding trust in your marriage is difficult but it can be done.Goals for this Phase

Defining goals for each phase of your renewal is important. Without goals, it is easy to drift aimlessly, not actually making the progress necessary to renew your bond. Without goals, it is easy to lose sight of why the two of you began this renewal and what you need to do in order to maintain the momentum. Thus, each couple much define goals that make sense for their marriage, given the unique challenges and heartaches that they have experienced together. While no definitive list can be included, but common themes will tend to exist amid the goals which couples define for this phase. These themes include trust, forgiveness, and healing from whatever hurts lie in your collective past.
 
As the two of you consider the pain that you must overcome and the trust you must rebuild during this phase, be prepared for a lot of work. The following, prior blog posts may prove helpful:
 

Taking Action

As with the first phase of renewal, all of this just talk unless you put it into action. We explore a long list of concrete actions in The Phoenix Marriage, but here’s a few general themes you can except for your actions to align with:
  • Find your new normal – In the first forty days (phase one) couples tend to prioritize their marriage, letting non-essential activities fall away (hobbies, outings with friends, family outings, etc.). This is necessary, because you need focused attention to build healthy patterns. But now the two of you must find a way to fold some of those activities back in while also identifying what changes need to happen. You’ll also be trying to find your new normal in terms of routines, frequency of contact, and how you communicate with one another. It’s normal for their to be anxiety over anything that feels like previous routines. You’ll need to work together to build confidence that this “new normal” won’t result in falling back into old patterns.
  • Lovingly, patiently rebuild trust – The loss of trust, in whatever measure, the two of you have experienced can be devastating for a couple.  As I write in chapter 7:

Prior to beginning this renewal process, your spiritual and emotional connection had faded and your bond had weakened. While this will look different for each couple, the simple fact is this: trust has been broken at some level. In most cases, the trust has been broken by both the husband and wife. You trusted your mate to love you fully and selflessly, and he or she fell short of that mark. In more extreme situations, you find yourself coping with betrayal of trust from addiction, abuse, or infidelity. Wherever you are on the spectrum, trust has been violated, and rebuilding it will require time and patience. It won’t be easy, but take heart, trust can be restored.

  • Battle your demons – We all have something we must battle as a part of the renewal and healing process. Insecurity, guilt, doubt, fear, and resentment are common obstacles. One of the couples we are walking with recently shared a fear with us: “I’m 46 years old, I just don’t know if it’s even possible for me to change at this point. Things will inevitably slip back into their old patterns.” You have to resist this sort of negative self talk and embrace the reality that each day you can decide who you want to be and how you will behave as an individual and as a member of your marriage team.
  • Grieve and process emotion in healthy ways – There is pain in the collective past of your relationship. During the intense focus of the first 40 days, you may find that you swept much of these issues under the proverbial rug. But you can’t ignore them forever. They will either come out unexpectedly and explosively or you can choose to let them out a piece at a time as part of a healthy and constructive healing process. One couple that we mentored last year experienced significant challenges when alcohol was used as a coping mechanism. Another suffered from wild emotional swings when safe, healthy outlets for emotion were not provided. Processing all of the past hurt is crucial and it is an on-going process, because “wounds heal crooked” (see article referenced above).
  • Extend grace to one another – Be gracious and understanding with each other as you transition from the intensity and excitement of the first phase of renewal, into a focus upon healing an rebuilding in this second phase. You will both need to extend a lot of grace toward each other as you collectively heal and rebuild. Tammy and I have come to learn that grace, is the universal love language.
 

Ingredients for Success

Prayer is the key to building a long and lasting connection with your spouse.We have found that prayer is the single most powerful ingredient of our revitalized marriage. In fact, our most popular post to date: “We tried something new in the bedroom and it saved our marriage” explores that very topic. Another important ingredient for success is to be gracious with each other as you each process past hurts and work to put into place your new normal. One of you might heal and move on faster than the other. Grace and patience should permeate the relationship. My wife and I are 22 months into our renewal, and there are still hurts and hangups from my affair that we have to deal with periodically. I had no idea how expensive my affair would be, but I realize it now.
 
This second phase will likely be harder than the first, but it is rewarding in terms of intimacy and depth that it yields for your relationship. There’s a lot of work for you both to do, but it’s worth every painful conversation, every raw prayer, and every tear.
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Six ways to equip your mind for spiritual warfare

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Spiritual warfare — it’s all in your head. How you feel about good days. What you think when you have bad days. Your response to circumstances is a choice. It’s all in your head. You can choose to be a glass half-full or a glass half-empty type of person. You can choose to look at things in the best possible way or find some reason to be grumpy. It’s all in your head. The apostle Paul recognized this simple truth centuries ago:

“I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know both how to have a little, and I know how to have a lot. In any and all circumstances I have learned the secret of being content — whether well fed or hungry, whether in abundance or in need.” – Philippians 4:11-12
In today’s post we’ll take a look at what a movie taught me about marriage, six ways to equip your mind for spiritual warfafe, and the importance of trusting God’s path for your marriage and your life.

The movie Inception says that its all in our headsWhat a movie taught me about marriage

Leonardo DiCaprio taught me the importance of mastering your own mind in the blockbuster movie, Inception. In that film, characters embark upon a mental odyssey by experiencing layers of dreams (dreams within dreams) to unlock information and explore new possibilities. Unfortunately, some characters lose a grip on what is real and what is mere fiction. As DiCaprio’s character, Cobb, explains: “Dreams feel real while we’re in them. It’s only when we wake up that we realize something was actually strange.” The solution, according to Cobb, is to maintain a totem (a unique object with a particular size, shape, and weight) which keeps you grounded, knowing which world you are in.
 
Are our lives so very different? Don’t we have trouble maintaining our grasp on what is real and what is an illusion? The enemy is cunning and will attempt to distort your view of reality. Paul cautions the church at Corinth:
“For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds. We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” – II Corinthians 10:3-5 
Indeed, we must be on guard and “take every thought captive” by testing it’s origin. Is this thought holy or harmful? Is this thought consistent with what I know to be TRUTH? It’s a mental battlefield out there and it’s so very easy to run away with our thoughts.
 

Six ways to equip your mind for spiritual warfare

In our up-coming book, The Phoenix Marriage: God creates beauty out of ashes, I acknowledge the importance of preparing yourself to combat the enemy’s lies against your marriage:
“The renewal of your relationship depends upon your ability to reject the lies of the enemy and hold firm to the truths of your marriage.” – Kyle Gabhart, The Phoenix Marriage p125
In chapter 8, I go on to describe the value of creating reminders or cues to maintain a vigilant grasp on the reality of spiritual warfare. I offer six ways to establish mental reminders:The Phoenix Marriage - God creates beauty out of ashes
  1. Memorize scripture.
  2. Keep scripture and encouraging quotes on note cards and keep them in places you will see them.
  3. Christians have used physical reminders for centuries (prayer beads, prayer bracelets, some even feel comfortable getting tattoos).
  4. Set visual reminders such as pictures of armor or weapons.
  5. Find encouraging songs and listen to them repeatedly.
  6. Engage social media for reminders and tips. Join marriage-building Facebook groups and follow pro-marriage feeds on Twitter.
Victory goes to the prepared. If you are going to withstand the constant onslaught of doubts and fears that will invade your brain, you must feed your mind a steady diet of optimism and biblical wisdom.

Trust your path

Hindsight is not always 20/20. Sometimes as you reflect on past decisions, you start to second-guess yourself. Distanced from the particular circumstances, facts, and emotions you felt at the time, you can begin to question your own judgement. So when you hit a rough season in your marriage, it can be easy to think back and be unable to clearly recall why the two of you got together to begin with. Or you might reflect on other pivotal points in your relationship and lose confidence that it was handled properly or even fairly.
 
To survive the mental quagmire, you have to trust the path that God has walked you down. 
  • Trust God’s ability to bring you the right person, no matter how long ago it was. (Proverbs 18:22, Psalm 103:19, Matthew 10:29)
  • Trust your decision to marry that person. (Proverbs 3:6)
  • Trust that any difficult times the two of you experience are part of God’s refinement of you both through your marriage. (Psalm 66:10-12, James 1:2-5)
  • Trust that God has a plan and a purpose for your marriage. (Romans 8:28, Jeremiah 29:11)
EYM_Podcast_FeaturedThumbnailIn this week’s podcast, The Creep and The Cougar, Tammy and I reflect on our own courtship. We note how God brought us together and confirmed his intention for us to be together. When we met years ago, this was crystal clear! It was so obvious how God was moving in our hearts and lives. But as we point out in the podcast, we lost sight of these truths as our relationship stretched from weeks to months to years. In time, it became easy to lose sight of these fundamentals and start to question God’s plan. Holding firm to the path God set you on and trusting in that path and that process is essential. When patience wanes and stress is applied in your relationship, you have to lean on God’s wisdom, not your own.
 

It’s all in your head

As believers and as spouses, we are called into a mental battlefield. Each of us must daily fight to prioritize God and prioritize our spouse. Establish mental cues to remind yourself what is reality and what is fiction. Trust the path that God has set you both on following. Finally, reflect upon how and why God put you both together in the first place. Celebrate that shared history and prepare to battle daily with your thoughts. It’s all in your head and in your mate’s head. Speak life into one another daily and find comfort and peace at the feet of your loving father.
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My wife had a tough week, and I missed it!

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Last week was difficult for my wife. She was struggling more or less the entire week with doubts, fears, and unwelcome reminders of pain from our past. Worst of all? I missed it.

How did I miss it?

Tammy needed me to come alongside her and provide spiritual and emotional support to wage a battle in her mind, and I missed it.  How, might you imagine, could I miss such a thing?

That’s what happens when you don’t talk to each other!

Talk to each other? We talk daily. We pray daily. We are each other’s best friend and have cultivated a very close relationship. We text each other constantly, chat online throughout the day, and talk to each other on the phone. Lack of communication was hardly the reason I missed my wife’s battle.

OK, so you talked, but you weren’t really listening.

That’s certainly a possibility. I have been known to “nod knowingly” while being otherwise engaged in my brain. Last week, however, this wasn’t the case at all. We talked daily and I DID listen. I was very much aware on a day-to-day basis that my bride was encountering challenges. Each time she shared, I offered support and encouragement as a good husband and friend should do.

You probably offered solutions instead of support.

Good thinking. Men commonly fall into the trap of attempting to solve a problem for their wife rather than lending an ear and being supportive. Chalk it up to having a marriage counselor for a father and being a student of communication and relationships for much of my life, but I didn’t succumb to this common pitfall! I did not try to ‘fix’ the situation for her.

You must recognize the forest AND the trees.I missed the forest!

Very simply, I was aware of and dealt with the trees in my wife’s heart last week. But I completely missed the forest! Each day I was aware of challenges that she experienced and I dutifully supported her to the best of my ability. The problem is that I didn’t recognize the pattern. It wasn’t until the end of the week that I put all of the pieces together and realized that she was feeling attacked mentally and spiritually almost every day!

On Friday, I sat down with a couple of Christian brothers to share our respective weeks and how we could pray for one another. I began to describe my week and it all clicked into place! I realized that Tammy hadn’t just had a rough day or two, but that nearly every day that week she had been waging a mental battle against doubt, fear, and pain. As I posted a couple weeks ago, wounds heal crooked. I have come to accept that it isn’t a smooth or predictable process. Consequently, I eagerly lent a sympathetic ear to my lovely wife, but I missed the bigger picture.

Last week, Tammy needed more from me than just a sympathetic ear or a comforting shoulder. She needed more than a husband who was available to be supportive and encouraging. She needed a champion. She needed for me to roll up my sleeves and tackle these painful memories and looming fears directly and completely. She was experiencing a chronic episode of doubt and fear that I was treating as acute, isolated obstacles.

Deal with the forest AND the trees

The Trees: Communication in your relationship is critical to building intimacy. You need to talk every day and be aware of the highs and lows that each of you is experiencing.

The Forest: Your relationship also needs perspective. You and your spouse need to take time (weekly, monthly, etc.) to look at your relationship and your family dynamics from a broader perspective. Identify trends, recognize patterns, and put your heads together to deal with opportunities and threats that you uncover.

Once I recognized the broader forest of challenges that my bride was wrestling with, I sprung into action. I made a concerted and comprehensive effort to come alongside her heart and wage a war against the FUD (fear, uncertainty, and doubt) that was plaguing her mind with lies.

For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ, – II Corinthians 10:4-5 (ESV)

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We did something new in the bedroom and it saved our marriage

Posted on by Posted in Marriage Booster, Our Story .

Our conversations dragged. Tension filled the room. Affection had become hit or miss. After three years together, our marriage had degraded into a cold and distant shell of what it once had been. The stress and pressure of blending a family, building a house, and traveling for work had robbed us of joy and crippled our intimacy.

Then, at the start of 2013 we tried something new in the bedroom and it radically changed our relationship, saving our marriage.

Our Recipe for Marital Intimacy

My wife and I put together a simple, four-step recipe for heating up our relationship:

  1. Tuck the kids into bed
  2. Close the door to our bedroom
  3. Spend quality time together cuddling, watching TV, etc.
  4. Then the magic starts….we pray together

At first our prayers were out of desperation, as we worked to repair the rubble of our marriage. In time, our prayers transformed to become more focused on our family, our future, and eventually on our mission as a couple.

The Power of Prayer

Prayer has the power to transform your marriage.Through prayer, we have transformed the dynamic of our marriage:

  • Prayer for healing of past hurts
  • Gratitude for God’s redemption of our mess
  • We have sought wisdom and a clear vision for our future as a couple and a family
  • Prayer for peace during hard times
  • Strength to overcome the weight of guilt from past mistakes
  • Prayer has revealed new levels of intimacy
  • Fear is crushed and worry is obliterated through the power of prayer
  • Prayer draws us closer to each other by drawing us closer to God

Prayer has dramatically changed the fabric of our marriage. It has created a daily opportunity for us to stop, take stock of our lives, and connect in the most authentic and genuine way possible. It connects us mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, knitting our hearts and minds together in a shared vision of our home.

The Power of Prayer

Sixteen months later, we still pray daily and the difference is dramatic. We cherish our conversations. We are relaxed and at peace around each other. Our affection is warm and natural. It’s taken a lot of work to rebuild our relationship; but nothing has been a bigger contribution to that healing process than our commitment to pray together every night.Couples That Pray Together Stay Together - Marital Intimacy

The Phoenix Marriage - God creates beauty out of ashesThe content in this post is adapted from our upcoming book (available on Amazon September 2014):

The Phoenix Marriage– Your most important earthly relationship can be restored, renewed, and reborn.

God creates beauty out of ashes.

 

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