Tis the season of lists! You have wish lists, shopping lists, and TODO lists to manage. Santa is keeping track of a naughty list and a nice list. But there are two more lists that your marriage needs this season.
Two lists your marriage needs this Christmas
1. Truths I know about my mate
2. Lies I believe about my spouse
1. Truths I know about my mate
2. Lies I believe about my spouse
There’s a battle being waged for your marriage every day. On your best day, it’s an innocuous battle in which you must decide to give your mate the benefit of the doubt and interpret his or her thoughts and actions in the most gracious way possible. On your worst day, your marriage is under a full-scale spiritual attack. In response, you need to equip your marriage with two essential lists.
List #1 – Truths I know about my mate
Jesus declares the import of truth in John 8:32 – “Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free.” Truth is the cornerstone upon which the success of your marriage must be grounded. However, it’s likely that neither you nor your mate have then time to identify and consciously embrace the truth you know exists.As a first step in that direction, ask yourself a few questions:
- What do you objectively know to be true regarding your life partner?
- What sort of person is he or she?
- Think about your mate’s character and values.
Reflect on the answers to these questions. Now build a list of objective truths that describe this unique and gifted person that blesses your life daily.
List #2 – Lies I believe about my spouse
We all have lies and half-truths that we believe. We repeat ideas to ourselves so much that we come to believe them. Sometimes these are fairly harmless myths. In other cases these are dangerous lies that distort your perspective, poisoning the relationship.
Common lies in marriage:
- My mate doesn’t care.
- When my spouse says or does something hurtful, it’s not an accident.
- He or she doesn’t appreciate me.
- I’m the only one actually making an effort.
- My spouse can never change.
- My partner is intentionally avoiding me or withholding love from me.
- And etc.
Common elements in lies we propagate:
- Question the motive
- Malign the intent
- Exaggerate the attitude
- Assume the emotions
- Repeat a single word/statement to give it more punch
- Read between lines that aren’t there
- Put words in the other’s mouth
- Go to extremes
At the core of all of these lies you will find an assumption that your spouse intended to hurt you and/or doesn’t care or notice you have been hurt. Furthermore, you’ll find an underlying fear that your needs will continue to go unmet and that the relationship can’t or won’t improve.
The Power of Truth
On your best day, what do you know to be true about your husband or wife? What prevents you from living in the bliss of that knowledge? An internal dialogue crammed full of doubts, half-truths, assumptions, and fears. These manifest themselves as lies that you repeat to yourself often enough that you begin to believe them. On rougher, more difficult days when you are tired and stressed, you’ll readily reach for one or more lies to use as a filter for actions and words. Suddenly, you’ve gone from optimism and clarity to a clouded mess of bitterness and growing resentment grounded in assumptions and a steady mental diet of lies.
How do you break this crazy cycle? Hold tight to Truth and reject the lies. Earlier this year we shared Five Lies that Can Wreck your Marriage along with five truths to counter-act those lies. Paul wrote to the Corinthians that in order to be victorious in spiritual warfare, they must “take every thought captive and make it obedient to Christ” (II Corinthians 10:3-5).
Truth counteracts lies the same way that light counteracts darkness. You and your spouse must each take ownership of your respective thought lives and battle against the temptation to entertain these lies and pessimistic assumptions.
Challenge
Let’s put all of this into action with a hands-on challenge:
Commitment – Assume the best about your mate in every situation. Every action. Every word. Every non-verbal expression. Interpret every point of contact in the most gracious way possible. When something seems off, assume that you misunderstood rather than assuming that your spouse intended harm.- Duration – Try the challenge for one week. Next, stretch the challenge out to two weeks. Eventually work your way up to a full month.
- Accountability – Journal daily regarding how the challenge is going. Also, identify at least one person that can hold you accountable to the challenge. Pray together and connect periodically to help keep you on track.
